In recent years, Christmas has become a trial for my family - well, at least for me to be with my family. We've been going through the motions but there wasn't much of the spirit of Christmas left in it for me.
My father died just before Christmas 17 years ago. I know it sounds a long time but when you miss someone it isn't long at all. Five years ago my nephew died just a couple of days before Christmas. In fact, that year my daughter and I lost three who were very close to us, just before Christmas. And Christmas still isn't what I think it's supposed to be. The pain of grief revisits each time and the sparkle has gone.
This year I decided I wanted to get away from the family completely, just to see if I could enjoy that time of year at all. There was one restriction: I didn't want to spend the time away from my daughter. That lead to another restriction: she didn't want to spend the time away from the extended family! You guessed it. We all went away - at least the ones who could make it.
I didn't get my wish to get away from the family but at least we got away from familiar surroundings. We went to a resort and walked on the beach, kayaked and sailed on the lake, 'played' tennis (what we do with a tennis racquet and ball isn't recognisable as any game) and generally ate far too much. We did the Christmas gift thing, watched Christmas DVDs and played board games. We didn't spend the whole three days in each others' pockets; there was space and time to do our own thing. Having said that, I think we spent more time together in those three days than we have in recent years combined.
It was good. Going away allowed me to connect with my family again for a significant period of time. It allowed me to leave the sad memories behind for a while and enjoy the moment for what it was. I'd like to do it again and will start negotiations early in the new year. At this point I have no expectations. It might not come off the way it did this year, but I'll float the idea and see what everyone else thinks.
A cruise sounds fun.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
The rat race
I've always tried to avoid the classical 'rat race'. I can't see the point in spending an entire life time rushing from one meeting to another and only having enough time at home to eat, shower and sleep - and sometimes not even eat. But I've found that living in the city engenders it's own kind of race.
Everything here is FAST. Decisions have to be made quickly, arrangements have to be made early, lots of things have to be done in a short amount of time. I always feel busy, and those times I'm not busy I look for something to do that keeps me busy until the next series of processes are put in place. I'm afraid I'm losing my ability to relax. And I'm afraid that loss will mean a loss of something inside me. I won't be the same person anymore.
Not all of this is a bad thing. I love the way my mind is stretched when I'm working on three or four projects at once. I love juggling things when it's busy like that.
But I also love just sitting and watching the world go by. I can sit at a window and watch the trees on the mountain sway with the breezes for hours and never feel bored. I can close my eyes and listen to the magpies welcome the morning and the kookaburras warn others from their territory and breathe the peace of the world into my soul. Unfortunately those moments are getting shorter and a longer time passes between them.
I long to move to a simpler time. Don't get me wrong: I still want electricity, internet and reliable plumbing, but I yearn for a closer connection to nature. I want to be somewhere that I can't hear traffic noises 24 hours a day, somewhere my neighbours are far enough away that they can have visitors and I can't hear every word of their conversation. I could calm my mind and let it wander where it will. I could nurture my imagination and forget the demands of everyday living, just for a little while.
Everything here is FAST. Decisions have to be made quickly, arrangements have to be made early, lots of things have to be done in a short amount of time. I always feel busy, and those times I'm not busy I look for something to do that keeps me busy until the next series of processes are put in place. I'm afraid I'm losing my ability to relax. And I'm afraid that loss will mean a loss of something inside me. I won't be the same person anymore.
Not all of this is a bad thing. I love the way my mind is stretched when I'm working on three or four projects at once. I love juggling things when it's busy like that.
But I also love just sitting and watching the world go by. I can sit at a window and watch the trees on the mountain sway with the breezes for hours and never feel bored. I can close my eyes and listen to the magpies welcome the morning and the kookaburras warn others from their territory and breathe the peace of the world into my soul. Unfortunately those moments are getting shorter and a longer time passes between them.
I remember reading Henry David Thoreau years ago. I found his writing style stilted and boring but the images he created and the passion he felt for nature have stayed with me. The older I get the more I think about it.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Focus fatigue
I hadn't realised it had been so long since my last entry. My last entry coincided with some health problems and then the rush to catch up on my assignments for uni as well as everything for school. I felt like I was trying to juggle a dozen balls at once - and I can't juggle!
I've spent the last week avoiding any work I need to do and contacting people I haven't seen since I began studying at the beginning of the year - trying to see everyone before Christmas. It'll be a busy and social couple of weeks. But it's not enough. I need to do something with my mind as well.
I've been thinking about 'focus' lately. What is it that allows people to focus on one thing exclusively and what is it that prevents some people focusing on anything at all. I've slipped into the latter in the last couple of weeks - pretty much since I submitted my last assignment for the year. I've written 1000 words for a chapter of the book I'm currently writing and haven't been able to think past that. I need to finish the chapter before tomorrow evening. I also have a journal article I need to write but my brain feels like it's fog-bound. All slushy and slow-wading.
And yet - I went for a job interview last week. I walked in feeling foggy and was given a scenario and 20 mins to respond to it. For that 20 minutes and the 1-1/2 hours of the interview, my brain worked at what felt like lightning speed. My solution was topical, relevant and organised. It dealt with the situation both linearly and laterally, viewing the situation from three different points of view. I could even put a time estimate on implementation. I walked out of the interview on a mental high. My brain had been exercised and I felt more awake than I had for most of the week.
But within an hour it was gone. I was back to the marshy fog, unable to focus on anything for more than a few minutes and that only partially. I've checked my diet - it has a huge influence on my moods. I've been eating lots of green leafy veges, lots of red and blue fruit and veges (good for concentration) and staying away from sugar (always makes me depressed). So that's not it.
Maybe I just have to force myself through it. Perhaps I should just treat it like a spider's web encountered on an evening walk and push through, wiping the sticky threads away as I go. I'll do that today, but first .... did I mention I'm a master procrastinator? .... I think I'll have a half-hour nap. I could always tell myself it's thinking time - an opportunity to get the next scene set in my mind so I can write it before lunch!
I've spent the last week avoiding any work I need to do and contacting people I haven't seen since I began studying at the beginning of the year - trying to see everyone before Christmas. It'll be a busy and social couple of weeks. But it's not enough. I need to do something with my mind as well.
I've been thinking about 'focus' lately. What is it that allows people to focus on one thing exclusively and what is it that prevents some people focusing on anything at all. I've slipped into the latter in the last couple of weeks - pretty much since I submitted my last assignment for the year. I've written 1000 words for a chapter of the book I'm currently writing and haven't been able to think past that. I need to finish the chapter before tomorrow evening. I also have a journal article I need to write but my brain feels like it's fog-bound. All slushy and slow-wading.
And yet - I went for a job interview last week. I walked in feeling foggy and was given a scenario and 20 mins to respond to it. For that 20 minutes and the 1-1/2 hours of the interview, my brain worked at what felt like lightning speed. My solution was topical, relevant and organised. It dealt with the situation both linearly and laterally, viewing the situation from three different points of view. I could even put a time estimate on implementation. I walked out of the interview on a mental high. My brain had been exercised and I felt more awake than I had for most of the week.
But within an hour it was gone. I was back to the marshy fog, unable to focus on anything for more than a few minutes and that only partially. I've checked my diet - it has a huge influence on my moods. I've been eating lots of green leafy veges, lots of red and blue fruit and veges (good for concentration) and staying away from sugar (always makes me depressed). So that's not it.
Maybe I just have to force myself through it. Perhaps I should just treat it like a spider's web encountered on an evening walk and push through, wiping the sticky threads away as I go. I'll do that today, but first .... did I mention I'm a master procrastinator? .... I think I'll have a half-hour nap. I could always tell myself it's thinking time - an opportunity to get the next scene set in my mind so I can write it before lunch!
Monday, September 24, 2007
Plagiarism run rampant
I've just spent the last four weeks showing my year 9 SOSE class how to search on the internet, read the material and then write the important fact in their own words. At the end of that time they submitted a 400 word essay describing one aspect of the Middle Ages.
All but four students in the class submitted work that I subsequently found in toto on websites. They had simply copied and pasted, then presented the work as their own.
They didn't get it. Throughout the four weeks each and every student asked me why they can't just copy the material. It's on the web, available for everyone, so they can use it as they wish. Right? It's the same story with referencing.
It's demoralising. I feel like I've just wasted an entire month. Sure I might have got the message through to four students, but what about the other 26?
How can people honestly believe it's ok to say you did something when you didn't? Isn't it obvious that it's lying?
All but four students in the class submitted work that I subsequently found in toto on websites. They had simply copied and pasted, then presented the work as their own.
They didn't get it. Throughout the four weeks each and every student asked me why they can't just copy the material. It's on the web, available for everyone, so they can use it as they wish. Right? It's the same story with referencing.
It's demoralising. I feel like I've just wasted an entire month. Sure I might have got the message through to four students, but what about the other 26?
How can people honestly believe it's ok to say you did something when you didn't? Isn't it obvious that it's lying?
Friday, September 21, 2007
My philosophy of life
I was talking to a friend the other day and he asked me what my philosophy of life was. It was an interesting question because I don't think I've ever really taken the time to think about it in those terms before. My philosophy isn't something that is brought out to discuss at cocktail parties. I don't spend a lot of time questioning the meaning of life or asking myself what makes a good human being. I just live my life, trying not to waste those short precious moments on things that are pointless.
I have plans and goals and ideals but they aren't what my life is about. They're just a part of it. If that was all my life was about there wouldn't be much of a life, would there. I want to be able to get to the end of my life (hopefully with enough time to look back) and be able to look back and say:
1. I was a good human being - the best I could be at the time and in the circumstances
2. I enjoyed, if not every moment, then as many moments as I could find something enjoyable in (you'd be surprised how many of those there are)
3. I touched the lives of people who love me and, in turn, was touched by those I love.
I want to be able to leave a mark on my small part of the world. I don't have to be rich or famous to do that. All I have to do is live in the memories of those I've known, however fleetingly (the knowing and the memories). Perhaps some of those people will tell their children about some small thing I did or said that made their lives better and my impact will carry through a generation or two. Perhaps they will begin to live their lives a little more peacefully because of it. That is my dream.
Of course being rich and famous would have its benefits ... :)
So when my friend asked me about my philosophy I jotted down a few 'rules to live by'. Here they are here, with a few more added - just for luck. There's no order for priority - if there's a need, there's a rule. I make them up as I go. Being calm and happy with what I have is my goal.
Rule 1: Don't let yourself dwell too much on things that irritate you. If you do that, you'll start to slip into a depression and that's a horrid feeling.
Rule 2: Pick your arguments. I apply this to any situation. It could also be interpreted as 'don't sweat the little stuff'. Some things simply aren't worth getting angry or worried over. How important is it going to be in 5 years time? If it's not even going to be a memory, forget about arguing for it, let it go.
Rule 3: Focus on the little things in life - they're the ones that bring the most joy. They're also the things that keep life in perspective. An hour with my daughter, sitting quietly, is worth huge amounts of success at work. Going out to my garden every day and checking how big my tomatoes are - watching things grow regardless of the chaos society is in around them. What we do in life is often artificial and unimportant in the whole scheme of things. It's life, it's what we do, but it's not worth high blood pressure or heart disease.
Rule 4: Look at nature and see how it responds to things - a river particularly. A river will always get where it wants to go but it always takes the line of least resistance, winding around obstacles. Its focus doesn't change but it enjoys the views along the way. Since I realised this, I've stopped giving up on things. I don't care if it takes me a long time to achieve something I really want. If I want it badly enough, I'll do it - I'll find a way around the obstacles.
Rule 5: Help others wherever, whenever and in whatever way you can. That doesn't mean you have to be a hero. I'm a certified coward! I don't have what it takes to rescue people from a burning building or pull someone from a car accident. (I'm the one who always checks to make sure emergency services have been called and that 'someone' is looking after the people who need it.) But if someone asks for directions or if they just look like they need a smile, I offer it.
Rule 6: Appreciate others. I'm almost obsessive about making sure I thank anyone who does something nice for me. I smile, I gush, I tell their boss. It doesn't take long, it's not much effort, but it makes me - and them - feel so much better about the day. (I also tell people when I think they need to improve something, but that's for another blog, I think.)
I have plans and goals and ideals but they aren't what my life is about. They're just a part of it. If that was all my life was about there wouldn't be much of a life, would there. I want to be able to get to the end of my life (hopefully with enough time to look back) and be able to look back and say:
1. I was a good human being - the best I could be at the time and in the circumstances
2. I enjoyed, if not every moment, then as many moments as I could find something enjoyable in (you'd be surprised how many of those there are)
3. I touched the lives of people who love me and, in turn, was touched by those I love.
I want to be able to leave a mark on my small part of the world. I don't have to be rich or famous to do that. All I have to do is live in the memories of those I've known, however fleetingly (the knowing and the memories). Perhaps some of those people will tell their children about some small thing I did or said that made their lives better and my impact will carry through a generation or two. Perhaps they will begin to live their lives a little more peacefully because of it. That is my dream.
Of course being rich and famous would have its benefits ... :)
So when my friend asked me about my philosophy I jotted down a few 'rules to live by'. Here they are here, with a few more added - just for luck. There's no order for priority - if there's a need, there's a rule. I make them up as I go. Being calm and happy with what I have is my goal.
Rule 1: Don't let yourself dwell too much on things that irritate you. If you do that, you'll start to slip into a depression and that's a horrid feeling.
Rule 2: Pick your arguments. I apply this to any situation. It could also be interpreted as 'don't sweat the little stuff'. Some things simply aren't worth getting angry or worried over. How important is it going to be in 5 years time? If it's not even going to be a memory, forget about arguing for it, let it go.
Rule 3: Focus on the little things in life - they're the ones that bring the most joy. They're also the things that keep life in perspective. An hour with my daughter, sitting quietly, is worth huge amounts of success at work. Going out to my garden every day and checking how big my tomatoes are - watching things grow regardless of the chaos society is in around them. What we do in life is often artificial and unimportant in the whole scheme of things. It's life, it's what we do, but it's not worth high blood pressure or heart disease.
Rule 4: Look at nature and see how it responds to things - a river particularly. A river will always get where it wants to go but it always takes the line of least resistance, winding around obstacles. Its focus doesn't change but it enjoys the views along the way. Since I realised this, I've stopped giving up on things. I don't care if it takes me a long time to achieve something I really want. If I want it badly enough, I'll do it - I'll find a way around the obstacles.
Rule 5: Help others wherever, whenever and in whatever way you can. That doesn't mean you have to be a hero. I'm a certified coward! I don't have what it takes to rescue people from a burning building or pull someone from a car accident. (I'm the one who always checks to make sure emergency services have been called and that 'someone' is looking after the people who need it.) But if someone asks for directions or if they just look like they need a smile, I offer it.
Rule 6: Appreciate others. I'm almost obsessive about making sure I thank anyone who does something nice for me. I smile, I gush, I tell their boss. It doesn't take long, it's not much effort, but it makes me - and them - feel so much better about the day. (I also tell people when I think they need to improve something, but that's for another blog, I think.)
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Lack of pressure = disorganisation
I can't seem to organise myself unless I have deadlines looming. I've had 10 days break from work and haven't accomplished anything. I've read three books, spent five days visiting people I don't often see and that's about it.
The fence is still a pile of rubble although I have organised for a quote to be done tomorrow. My garden hasn't been watered in four days and is looking really sad. I have a scene for my book floating in my head and can't seem to make myself sit down and write it. I've done absolutely nothing for work. I still have reports to finish and filing to do and then preparation for all my subjects.
My deadline is 8am Tuesday, I'm going away for the weekend and I'm expecting visitors all day tomorrow. So, knowing I basically have one day to clean the house and one day to prepare for the next ten weeks, here I am, sitting here playing with a blog. How's that for procrastination.
In my defense, my busy times are so busy I don't have time for anything, so when I have 'down time' it's seriously DOWN.
I'd love to put everything off for another few days but by then I'll be back at work and the pressure will be on again. I'll better get something done today and work out what I'm baking to serve the visitors tomorrow.
The fence is still a pile of rubble although I have organised for a quote to be done tomorrow. My garden hasn't been watered in four days and is looking really sad. I have a scene for my book floating in my head and can't seem to make myself sit down and write it. I've done absolutely nothing for work. I still have reports to finish and filing to do and then preparation for all my subjects.
My deadline is 8am Tuesday, I'm going away for the weekend and I'm expecting visitors all day tomorrow. So, knowing I basically have one day to clean the house and one day to prepare for the next ten weeks, here I am, sitting here playing with a blog. How's that for procrastination.
In my defense, my busy times are so busy I don't have time for anything, so when I have 'down time' it's seriously DOWN.
I'd love to put everything off for another few days but by then I'll be back at work and the pressure will be on again. I'll better get something done today and work out what I'm baking to serve the visitors tomorrow.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
The Aftermath
The period of time immediately following a time of great industry is always difficult isn't it?
I've finished all my assignments and have all but one of them back and I'm wandering around the house wondering what to do with my time. It's not as if I don't have anything to do.
I've finished all my assignments and have all but one of them back and I'm wandering around the house wondering what to do with my time. It's not as if I don't have anything to do.
- I have a stack of books I've been wanting to read for a long time.
- I have a garden I've just dug up and started planting.
- I have a fence that suddenly became a pile of rubble and needs to be replaced.
- I have knitting half done,
- a tapestry waiting to be finished,
- painting that needs to be done and
- a book to write (and one to edit).
And those are just the things I WANT to do.
But none of it grips me. None of it fires my imagination for longer than an hour or so. Even the garden doesn't hold me for longer than it takes to water it - that takes some planning and time in the middle of a drought, believe me.
It's like I'm stuck in limbo and have to float around in here for a while - until my mind changes gears and settles into the next phase of activity.
I hope it doesn't take too long. I have a very limited time before uni starts back again and I want to get some creative work done. I want to edit 18 chapters and write at least 3 more. (The editing is the hard bit. Anyone can write a book but it takes real skill to edit one so that it draws the reader into the story and keeps them there. That's the challenge - and what I want to master.)
I don't think it's unreasonable to want to do that in three weeks. It's achievable - if I can just focus on it. Perhaps I should just make myself do it and see how I go.
Now ... what was the story about?
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